Sunday, 29 August 2010

What happens when you blind yourself

Let me set the scene.

It's a Thursday.  The body you live with is having a shave in the bathroom and you're playing with makeup in your bedroom.

You manage to totally mess up a practice eye that you're doing and you decide to remove it.

You take your wipes out of the drawer and wipe the makeup off your eye.

The aforementioned body struts into the bedroom looking rather handsome.  You take your eye makeup off (because you want to have a secret perv) and your eye feels dodgy.  It transforms from a normal eye to a bloodshot wonder in the space of 10 seconds.  The other body in the room decides to point this out to you.

You clean your eye with water and go to sleep.

You wake up at 2 in the morning and find that your eye has puffed up so much that you can't open your eye.  You assume you've gone blind.

You wake up the other body and make them do some "at home doctoring" before you go to the hospital.

The doctor tells you that you've had a reaction to the wipe and cleans the eye for you.  He trots off to get something and you comment to your companion about how handsome the doctor is and just your luck that you're blind in one eye.  Your companion gives you the "I have to be up at six tomorrow" look.

The doctor comes back with a patch in his hand.  He affixes said patch to your eye and sends you home.

You encounter a drunk guy who calls you Captain Hook.  You inform him that Captain Hook had two functioning eyes and that it was his hand which gave him his name.

You go home and fall asleep.

You wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy..if he, too, had a reaction to some wipes.

You phone your boss, tell him what happened and he lets you pull a sickie.

Wave the other body off to work and plonk your one-functioning-eye behind on the sofa.

You do nothing bar chat crap on Twitter and type up some cases.

You get bored and decide you want to take your patch out so off you go.

You go to Boots to pick up some DECENT eye makeup remover.

You see a clearance section.

You go a bit mad.

You buy this:
Crapness of photograph is to be accredited to the injury
You feel rather chuffed with yourself.

You feel even better when the guy behind the counter talks like Angelos Epithemiou and does his best Angelos impression for you.

You come home, clean your eye out with the blue liquid and marvel at how much rubbish comes you of your eye.

This is what happens when you blind yourself.


  1. aahahahahahah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    This post is the exact reason I love you.


  2. You know what this post needs? A PICTURE OF THE EYE PATCH. AND PUFFY EYE.


  3. Blimey, sounds like a right mare! I wanna know what wipes they were!? .. I hope you are ok now :) x

  4. Hahaha love this post! Made me laugh lol :) xx

  5. Pa hahahahaha too funny captian hook LOL

    just tell everyone u got the new ipad :P

  6. Pa hahahahaha too funny captian hook LOL

    just tell everyone u got the new ipad :P

  7. Thanks everyone, I feel the humour makes the pain pass quicker, I've never been one to be a drama queen ;)

    The wipes were Johnsons Baby Wipes, I have sensitive eyes as it is but as they were touted as being "as mild to eyes as water" but water has never done that to me before!

    Amina, LMAO @ new iPad, I blame the drugs for not letting me think fast enough.

  8.! I wish you lived in Nottingham I'd take you and your patch out for a drink!

  9. WOAH! That is some scary wipes!! Hope you're doing fine!

  10. LOFL!

    'You encounter a drunk guy who calls you Captain Hook. You inform him that Captain Hook had two functioning eyes and that it was his hand which gave him his name.'

    I WAS IN TEARS! you're too funny, i'd be a twat not to follow lol xx


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